“I didn’t remove them, though. I’m leaving them because now when I look at them, they remind me of Hope. They remind me of me, and everything I’ve had to overcome to get to this point in my life. And while I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, wondering why all of this happened to me… I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to wish for a perfect life. The things that knock you down in life are tests, forcing you to make a choice between giving in and remaining on the ground or wiping the dirt off and standing up even taller than you did before you were knocked down.”
An excerpt from Colleen Hoover’s Hopeless
Scars are something people aren’t usually keen on having. Whether they’re literal or not, scars are something I’ve consciously tried to prevent. “Mag-ingat ka sa tornilyo, (Be wary of the nail.)” my mom would say as I’d swiftly move past a jagged nail on the wall. “Baka magkapeklat ka.” (You might get a scar.) “Just be careful of whoever you give your heart to,” said my friend. “You wouldn’t want to be scarred again.”
It’s things like these that make me approach the idea of scars with a hesitance. After all, I’m not one to talk about my mistakes unless needed. I looked at scars as signs of weaknesses, markings of whatcouldhavebeens, whathadbeens and everything in between. Every thought of them was followed by a sigh of pity, at how I could’ve taken better care of myself or at how I could’ve made better choices.
Lately, I’ve been having episodes of a certain scar resurfacing. I’m not welcoming the idea of broadcasting what it is just yet, but rest assured that it isn’t a physical mark nor a person.
It’s just there, taunting and telling me not to bother when it comes to doing more than what I think I am capable of. It acts as an anchor, drowning me in complete misery until I’m completely engulfed by negative emotions.
Some days it wins over me and I’m left to sleep it off, self-esteem as low as ever. But other days, I fight it head on, realize I am my own ship and pull up the stupid anchor.
Today is one of the latter days. I will it to be.